Captain America Winter Soldier Kung Fu Fight Club v The Battle of the Bastards

Very BAD KUNG FU MOVIE 

The Battle of the Bastards.

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Game of Thrones is better. 

The (Re-) Avengers!

The Avengers (2012) follows the well-worn trope of a prison transport movie where the transport gone horribly, awfully wrong. Hollywood has a proud tradition of Prison-Transport-Movies-Gone-Horribly-Wrong genre. This time with superheroes! 

There's a civil war between a Viking God from another dimension and a government agency which sub contracts out its work to people in tights.

They use a scientific staff with anger problems aboard a ship in close quarters as if to say nothing could possibly go wrong. 

But you know it will. You wouldn't pay money to see it if the situation was going to be alright, right? In the Prison-Transport-Goes-Horribly-Wrong genre, we pay to see failure, not success. Why would we want to see success?

Of course there has to be a battle in New York City which puts Ghostbusters to shame. And the battle has to take a long time.

I mean with Game of Thrones it's all in a nice neat package. And the prison transport is easily dispensed with.

Game of Thrones, that is so much better.

The Big (not so) Short

The Big Short is about the housing crisis that hit America in 2008. People are somewhat divided on it, between horrible, awesome, and sort of a hybrid between horrible and awesome mixed together to form a uniquely mutant creature.

They have to get celebrities to explain everything because it's so complicated that they really can't do it in the plot. I feel like I'm in school looking at PowerPoints, and overhead projectors. The celebrities are a who's who, though. They keep it coasting until the big payoff.

And then it gets really meta. There's this great big pull back where we really see the damage. We see that paradigms have shifted. Now, collapse is in our vocabulary in a major way! And, as an added bonus, we see the personal growth!

Except, why did we see the growth in 2 hours? Why couldn't we just have seen the growth in a shot?

I'm a busy man. I have stuff to do. I want to see growth in short little snippets! Then I want my Google alerts to talk endlessly about the growth of these fictional characters over and over again! I'm so busy that I need to be reassured that the show I'm watching is amazing!

I leave you with the first time Jaime Lannister saw the dragons as an example of how masterful Game of Thrones is at growth.

Star Trek Discovery: Pilot: The Vulcan Hello

You know what we can't do, Klingons. We as a country can't get our arms around Klingons. Every major iteration of Star trek has a completely different take on what a Klingon looks like. 

Also why is Star trek an action franchise now? Who signed off on that?

Also, and this really annoys me: Why in the name of all that's holy does every single spaceship bridge on every single show have to look like something out of the Apple genius store now? 

We get it Apples are amazing, it's a quick way to show everybody that you're wealthier than other people, we get it. I'm so impressed. 

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But exactly why does every single spaceship have to look like an Apple store. How much is Tim Cook paying y'all to do that?

But let me get back to the Klingons. What is going on with the Klingons? Come on, we know from every other Sci-Fi show on every other planet that the dominant intelligent species all look alike. This is Syfy 101. Not with the Klingons. No, they look like all kinds of different people. Maybe they're like some multicultural warrior race on some far-off planet?

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You know what? I'm sure that there's going to be an explanation. And I'm sure the internet is forever, so I know I'm going to write this out and some Trekkie is going to come back and defend some of the most valuable intellectual property in the history of anything like its real. And really I relish all this.

I want to like Star Trek Discovery. But it feels like a masterclass called “How to Butcher a Franchise.” It actually feels like CBS is daring us to like this. They put it on a network that's only available on the computer and you have to pay you like 6 bucks a month to watch that and probably nothing else. It's like they're really just screwing with you.

I mean at least HBO is charging a lot of money for their service so you can watch Game of Thrones. I mean Game of Thrones is like a commitment. Plus, like you're educating yourself on the high middle ages. You just have to subtract out the dragons and the magic. I don’t know about you, but I feel like I'm being educated whenever I watch Game of Thrones. Whenever I watch Star trek I feel like I'm watching a commercial for what they thought the future was like in the 60s.

#CoffeeCupGate

The Best Product Placement Ever!

Ode to a product placement. How thou shall get people talking about my television show! With one Starbucks cup thou hast United a divided media landscape! Many pretenders have come but you reign supreme oh Starbucks cup! Vibrating phones on five continents as countless and innumerable media outlets pontificate on thine importance. Other events click merrily along! Yet obviously thou art of supreme importance above all Else.

Oh Starbucks cup! Thou were obviously the most important thing that happened outside of Westeros. Thou hath raised awareness of a little show. And for that we fans are eternally grateful for the greatest product placement ever!